Bug Food

This last week has been just louse-y. I am seriously only half the woman I was last week Thursday. In the space of five days, I have been savaged, guzzled, gnawed upon by nasty little creatures.. I have nine spider bites! NINE! WTF?!?!

All of these war wounds were picked up in the garden while I was doing my bit for mother nature and tending to the plants of the earth. These buggers have trespassed into the confines of my clothing, and munched away on my tender flesh. Damnit!

By the looks of the bites, I would have to conclude that I am particularly palatable to those bloody creatures. We're talking more than a mere flesh wound here, people! These bites swell. They blister. They ache. They ooze. (Hmmm, attractive picture I'm painting here, I know).

Last Saturday, I had to dance an evening away on a right foot that had swelled to twice it's normal size. My cankles had cankles. And bruising. And pain. But anything for a little getting down on the dance-floor, right? And then, surprise, surprise! The following morning the bite had healed, and I had suitably shaped ankles again. Guess those ballerinas hit on something after all in the Tarantella...

So I figured it would be just another notch in the belt. Me versus the arachnids. But, Tuesday comes along, bringing suitably outdoorsy weather with it, and another ravenous arachnid somehow manages to creep its way into my clothing. My shirt, this time.

Now I have a third breast. Seriously. It's quite perky and curvaceous, and it juts out of my ribcage just under my bra strap. It's also tender and inflamed. And it's beneath and slightly behind my left arm. So. Whoopee! I'm deformed. I can't even recruit this knob to some serious WonderBra activity.

The Chef suggested I go to a doctor.

"What for?" I was grumpy. And itchy. I shouldn't have snapped at her.

"An injection, or something." At least she cares.

"What? To make me taste worse to arachnids?" Seriously, that would be the only thing I'd go for at this stage. Seeing as they seem to clear up after a couple of days without an anti-biotic, and stop itching after a buttering of anti-histamine ointment, I'm good for now, thanks.

And to make matters worse, my spider bites now have spider bites. I have been double bitten on my leg. The original bite was not severe, and didn't even swell, but those buggers came back and made a right flesh feast of me. Now I have three new bites around an old one.

So I was thinking.

If this is how I am to get my super powers, should I complain?

But truthfully. I. Hate. Spiders.