Super Pooper

In ten years time my kids are going to hate me for writing about their ablutions so freely. Well, tough luck, Chickpeas, that's what you get for pulling your mom through the proverbial toilet!

I have no idea why, but the moment we are well away from our home, my children's digestion kicks in. At the park, at the shops, on the road. It happens without fail!

If you know me, you'll know I have a particular resistance to public facilities. I refer, of course, to the GERMS!!! Yuck! And, without fail, my children will threaten me with wet or soiled underwear just to 'pop-in' at the local, grimy pitstop. Gag!

Now, a quick leak is one thing, even though I insist on covering the toilet seat with a double layer of toilet paper, and sometimes even suspending the kids over the bowl, hanging on to my neck for dear life while I hook their knees and knickers out of the firing line. I'm a bit paranoid about Hepatitis, ok? But, why oh why do you have to poo in a public loo?

My one daughter is an evening pooper. Like clockwork, her bowels kick into action at 7.45pm every day. No sooner. No later. Without fail. So please can someone explain to me why it is, when the three of us are crammed into a dingy little toilet stall at the neighbourhood Fruit & Veg City, at 2pm in the afternoon, that she needs to go? And this is, of course, after we've had to endure 10 minutes of the other child pinching a long drawn out loaf. Blech!

So there we are, gagging for fresh air, tucking our noses into our t-shirts where the scent is so much better. I'm yelling at everyone not to touch that, don't sit on the floor, leave the sanitary towel bin alone, stop scratching the chewing gum off the tiles, stop licking the door handle, don't put your hands on the toilet seat (etc), when we are detained for a further 10 minute excretion. Why she said she was desperate, heaven alone knows! Desperate = immediate, not a bit, then a song, then a dribble, then a news bulletin, then a bit more. Ew!

By the time we've spent the larger portion of half an hour in the Ladies, I am quite flustered. It's really hard to hold your breath for that long, you know, while yelling out instructions and restrictions.

Since I'm on a bit of a positive curve at the moment though, I won't let it get me down too much. Instead, I will look forward to the time when I can make them pinch until we get home. I foresee marvelous family outings in the future!