Sometimes leaving the past behind should be just that - left behind. Sometimes it is NOT a good idea to casually finger through those memory files labelled "Done and Dusted". Sometimes picking up on a past story or explanation is more like picking open an old dried scab to release a bloody explosion of unrefined feelings and and undisclosed regrets.
At this point please do not refer to a blog on this site labelled "Living without Regrets", because I take it all back, I am a world-class hypocrite, I cannot for the life of me bring myself to regret nothing that ever happened to me, nothing ever said to me, and nothing I ever did as a result of trying to figure out how this quagmire of complexities called LIFE is actually supposed to work.
I have regrets. I have hurts. I am angry about things that happened to me. I am disappointed by events and situations that I had no say over. I need a stronger anti-depressant. And I'm not even pre-menstrual.
That, or maybe I'm a little Hhhmschk (she mumbles from behind her hand). Sorry? You didn't get that? I said I'm a little hmsishuh,uh (she sips some water). OK OK, already! You want to hear me say it? Homesick. There! Happy? Yes, I miss the kids. Yes, I miss my husband. Yes, I miss my house. Even the neighbourhood dog who always leaves a fragrant parcel on my front lawn - ok, so maybe I don't miss the dog. Do I regret being nearly 6000km from the center of my universe? No. Is my inner CEO getting a little wobbly? Sure. Would I prefer the sound of suburban traffic to five Calls-to-Prayer a day? Not really- it's a bit nostalgic, just like the sound of a mosquito near your ear reminds you of fun times camping outside on the garden lawn when you were a kid. Would I change anything about this very moment right here and right now? Of course yes! I would give a whole sand-castle cemented together with A-grade camel dung to have my most important people with me.
3 years ago
1 comment:
You really know how to find the words don't you? We never seem to be able to win as mothers. There seems to always be something to regret. Finding that balance in life that we need to reach to have that brady bunch life I fear I have realised is just not attainable. Only in the movies??
Hope you chin up and enjoy the rest of your holiday break, a few weeks after you're back, you'll probably be wishing you were back. Try not to turn this into a regret, at least for all of us mother's who would love to be in your shoes right now...we think.
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