I've tried. Really. I even made it my motto for the longest time "Live without regrets" (I had a theme song and everything - "I'm every woman": Whitney Houston), but I just can't seem to get it right. (I realise, of course that this may be due to the theme song. Am looking into something more Buble-ish at present).
I do something every day that I regret. Often it's the same thing, like: not getting enough exercise. But sometimes it's something unique like forgetting to phone someone for their birthday, or saying something without thinking, or giving in to buying something hopelessly overpriced just because I was caught up in the thrill of the moment.
I think that people who live without regrets are not necessarily living perfect lives, but more likely, have come to terms with their own inadequacies and accept that the past is done. Move on. Period.
I have really struggled to get to that point of acceptance.
I constantly have the "What if" scenario playing out in the back of my mind. What if I had been an only child? What if I had had more opportunities? What if money wasn't an issue? What if I had followed a different career-path? Would I be a different me? Would I be happier? Would I be more secure and self-confident? What if...
Now don't get me wrong. It's not that I am unhappy with my life as it is. I have it pretty good. I know that. I'm healthy (-ish most of the time), I have unarguably the most devoted, generous, understanding husband on the planet, I have two beautiful, intelligent, healthy daughters who make me laugh at least once a day. And I live in Cape Town - voted one of the top places in the world to call home. So what am I complaining about? What am I what-iffing about?
Today was a milestone for me. I started an antidepressant for the first (official) time in my life. As I gulped down the little white promise of salvation, I what-iffed all the way back to my childhood and Daddy's business went belly-up and the universe cracked in two. What if Mr Stubborn-Genius-with-a-brain-the-size-of-a-planet had just accepted a normal job, with a normal salary, with a boss and a quota and a fixed income? What if we were never homeless? What if Mom never had that emotional breakdown? What if I had been protected from all that confusion? What if I had seen a shrink 15 years ago? (Has it really been that long?) What if I hadn't felt so heavy for so long?
The little tablet slid into me and I waited with my eyes closed for 10 seconds. Nothing. One of the girls called me from the bathroom to wipe her bum. I didn't move. I breathed out. Slowly. Ever so slowly I opened my eyes. I was still me. Still the same 75kg balancing on a chair. Same slouch. Same sunburnt shoulders. Same me. Same midwife. Same university. Same dysfunctional history. Same sadness. Same person.
Ok. So I realise that this drug is going to take a good 2-3 weeks to start working, so it was a little unrealistic to hold my breath for life-changing results. But, and this is the Oprah ah-hah moment, as I sat on that stool waiting for my salvation, it struck me that this tiny little chalice of hope could never change the past. It was my crutch for dealing with the days to come. I could what-if till the cows come home, and sure, if I had been an only child, indulged to every whim and fancy, steered in a financially successful career path, well, I would be a different person. I would have different things in my life and be with different people.
The truth is that I am me. Here. Now. I can't change what has happened to me in the past to get me to this point. Yes, it hurts when I think of the injustices and sufferings, but I'm in a good place now. I am loved. I have friends. I have family. There is no guarantee that tomorrow will be a good day, but at least I know that tomorrow will come. And hopefully, with my faithful 10mg of SSRI cruising through my system, I will be happy to be just me.
4 comments:
I can't help thinking I shouldn't be reading this on a laptop in Saudi Arabia. We should be in the car together on a long drive to somewhere, a box of tissue between us talking over Disney songs.
I have so many hugs stored up.
We love you Jess! And so what if we don't see each other in another few years or ever again, or keep in touch regularly. You will always have a special place in these NZ'ers (yes even Jason) hearts.
I am blessed and have been blessed to have known and met you.
love
jane
I know what you mean.
I have also thought about the same things over and over, but I also had to just let go because holding onto the frustration, bitterness, injustice and anger was just making me miserable. I was in a vicious cycle, up one day and dragged down the next. You can't change what happened, most things you have no control over anyway; especially when you are a child. You can just release the weights from around your shoulders. You can't live on "what if's" - you will never be fullfilled.
You would be a different person if you didn't go thorugh all you went through and experienced all that you experienced. You would probably not have the same character or personality. Everyone questions their life choices at some point (I do it quite regularly - like once a day)you just have to say, can I change this? Do I really want to change this? And if it is within your power and willingness to change; then change, if not enjoy each day and see all the beauty in yourself, your family and friends and the things around you. You are blessed.
Lot of what-ifs led to a of of good things. True, growing-up in Casa F (or wherever we happened to be at time) was pretty crappy, where would we be without them? Besides, Sertraline rocks... 28,060,000 people cant be wrong? Can they?
Post a Comment