A letter to a Friend

You know, you're a really nice person. I've always thought so. That's why, what I have to say now, is so difficult for me. It's going to make you sound like a nasty person, when, in truth, you really aren't. You are surely one of the nicest people I know.

So why do I have to say it then, if it's going to depict you in a bad light? Well, it's sort of been eating me up inside for a long time. I'm trying to understand how our dynamic works, yours and mine. If I write it out, maybe I'll have a better idea of what it's all about.

You see, I just don't understand exactly what role it is you want me to play. On one hand, you say I'm your very special friend, but on the other hand, you just aren't there for me. When I told you I needed time out and you said you would be there for me, you weren't. You didn't call. You didn't check on me. And then you were surprised when I felt awkward around you. I felt awkward because I really didn't know what game it was you were playing with me. Maybe you forgot.

Whenever I ask you if you'd like to spend time with me, you always say "Yes." But I leave it in your court to tell me when it would suit you. And you know, it just never does.

Is it because you're just a nice person that you don't want to hurt my feelings? You just can't tell me that you don't actually have time for me? I know it sounds awful for me to say it, but that's just how it feels - most of the time - it feels like you don't have time for me.

And it's hard for me to understand. I thought I had demonstrated to you, countless times, how I care for you and your family, how much your friendship meant to me. But I never seem to get that same feeling from you. And I really can't imagine that you don't like me or you don't care for me, because you are a super person. But maybe, it's just that you have enough friends as it is? Maybe spending time with me would steal time form you being with the people you really need to be with.

It sounds so, so stupid. Like a whiney child saying "So-and-so doesn't want to be my friend!" But it really hurts, nonetheless. It feels like I keep coming back to you for more rejection (even though that may not be the way you mean it).

But for my sake, and my feelings, I think I should stop that now. Please don't be offended if it feels like I'm not paying you as much attention as I did in the past, I have to preserve myself. And it's not that I don't want to be your friend - I do, really - but you keep hurting me, so I'm going to slack off a bit, OK?

Maybe someday, when our situations are different, when we've moved on a bit and absence has made the heart grow fonder, we could try again? Or maybe before that, when you understand what it's been like for me. Maybe you don't even realise what it feels like from this side.

I miss you. Or the thought of you. I don't know. 

Jx.

PS: I realise it is a little unorthodox to present a personal dictation of this sort in a blog format, but I did it anyhow. The problem I foresee now is that every friend I have is going to think this letter is addressed to you. It isn't. Chances are the person it is intended for will not even read it (soon), and when they do, being the awfully nice person they are, will not realise it is addressed to them. So please don't panic. I still love you (all of you), I just had to get that little rant off my chest. Please don't take it personally.