Frenetic Genetics

I just ate a slice of chocolate-peppermint cake off the same plate I had my anchovy toast off, and inevitably got the flavours mixed up. And while that was a pretty traumatic experience in itself, it got me to thinking about the differences between men and women.

(Ok, so no, it didn't, but it was a good story, right?)

Men and Women. The battle of the sexes. The toilet seat up or down? Beauty versus Braun. Mars and Venus, bras and penis. No matter how you call it, we're Just. Plain. Different. My suggestion is: Don't waste your time trying to understand it, just accept it and go forth and multiply. Or something like that, anyway.

So God made Man and Woman. And when he made Man, he used frogs and snails and puppy dogs' tails. And muscles. And fish gut. And screwdrivers with magnetised ends. And string. A very useful commodity in any home. And the string was a bit longer than he had planned it to be, so he left a little bit. Dangling. And Man was useful.

And when he made Woman, he used sugar and spice and all things nice. Like Chanel No 5. And cashmere. And rose petals. And lace. Not useful stuff like fish gut and potato peelers. Just pretty things that ought to look nice when you dust them off and hold them up to the sunshine. And while God was busy putting her together, he discovered that the lace was just a little bit too little. So he left a space. And Woman was pretty.

"Go forth!" God commanded. And the man and the woman got a little sheepish look on their faces. And man said, "Is there a bog around here? You know? When you gotta go you gotta go!" And the woman nodded and said, "Please could you show me where the little girls' room is." At this point she was doing an uncomfortable little shuffle, and the man was grabbing wildly at his crotch.

And God, in his infinite wisdom, seeing Man's obvious discomfort, handed him a pill to swallow. It was the gift of being able to pee standing up. And the man immediately took to peeing on tree trunks and fire hydrants and off of bridges, straight into the wind.

The woman, still pinching, eyes watering ever so slightly, but looking fabulous, quietly found a discreet bush and awkwardly squatted behind it to take a leak, anguishing over not getting anything on her stilettos. Once she was done, the woman pulled herself together and, noting the man writing his name in the snow with his own urine, went to talk to Management.

"It's not fair!" she insisted (whining ever so slightly) pointing at her partner who by now was having a pissing contest with a chimpanzee. "He gets to wee standing up. What do I get?"

God looked a little uncomfortable and fumbled around in his pockets. "Er, I do have this.." he said holding up a flaming pill.

The woman said, "I'll take it!", snatched it out of his hands and swallowed it. At that point Multiple Orgasms entered the woman's intrinsic make-up, and never again did she complain about the standing to wee thing again.