Waiting

It's like Christmas when you're a kid - or the run up to it, at least. The waiting, the anticipating, the little bit of nervous tummy acrobatics. It's like you can just taste the magic in the air, and you believe, from the very bottom of your soul that something amazing is going to happen. There is an awesome promise, just around the corner, waiting to embrace you in utter pleasure.

And you wait. You tick off the days on your advent calendar. You count the sleeps. You calculate the hours. You just know that every thing your heart desires is about to be materialised. You hold your breath, and Christmas day dawns.

That lead up to Christmas was always so thrilling to me as a kid. You just knew something great was going to happen. You could sense it.

How I long for that to happen now. I feel like I'm waiting for something extraordinary to happen. Something good. Something to throw a splash of sparkle over the ordinary. I wait. And I wait.

And even though Christmas day would dawn, all those years ago, bringing with it lightness and an inkling of magic, I would always go to bed, on Christmas night feeling like I had missed something, that Christmas hadn't happened all the way it was supposed to, like there had to be something more. A sense of disappointment, I guess. A feeling that my expectation had not quite been met. An anti-climax.

And as I sit staring at the pixels on my Mac, I am so aware of that feeling - that one of wanting something great to happen, something awesome, something magical. And while a part of me hopes for thrills and excitement, another part shakes it's head and puts a hand on my shoulder. "Play it cool," she says, "you're only going to be disappointed when it doesn't turn out the way you were hoping." 

So I withdraw. I take stock of what is here, what is now. I am grateful for it all. I appreciate every other thing in my life. I thankfully rock this existence back to sleep, stilling the restless wanderings of my mind. "Shhh. There, there. This is enough."

And yes, it IS enough. It is MORE THAN enough.

I'd just like something really great to happen.

's all.