I wonder what you would do, if you were me?
Let me explain: I am an honest person. I wear my heart on my sleeve. What you see is what you get. Mostly. And I say "mostly" because there is this one thing...
There is this one role I have to fill and I. Really. Don't. Want. To. Do. It. Furthermore, I have to do it with a smile on my face. No-one may know that I. Really. Don't. Want. To. Do. It. And I have to do it regularly. Each time I do it, I take a deep breath, plaster a smile on my face, and get it over with.
I have been playing this masked partaker for a long time. And I fear the disguise is losing it's plausibility. The make-up is cracking. I will be exposed as a fraud. And even though I am so close to giving the game away, I cling to my alias with all the strength I can muster. Somedays my performance is more convincing than others. But even when my presentation is lousy, I cannot let the truth be known.
You want to know why? If the truth was revealed, the repercussions would be far-reaching and disastrous. So much disappointment, hurt, anger, rejection would follow. And I could not bear to be the one responsible for causing the ship to go down. So I play the role, to the best of my ability. I do what is expected. I follow through. But I. Really. Don't. Enjoy. It.
Does it change the way you see me, knowing this, I wonder? Will you question the things you know about me? Will you wonder which part of me is the truth and which part is a lie? Will it make you cautious to come close, thinking that perhaps the enjoyment I display is only a $2 act?
Would I do more damage guarding my dirty little secret, than letting it go and facing up to the consequences? Common sense tells me the latter will be true. If I gave up my jolly-faced act and let my resentment and distaste out of its cobwebby closet, the damages would be immense.
So I nurture my deceit. I keep it close. I hide it when the time is right. And while I do, I wonder what your deceptions are?
3 comments:
In my experience, it is harder to keep a secret. It is harder to tell a lie. It weighs more and hurts more.
It is liberating to tell the truth, to open up. And usually the reaction is much different from what we anticipate.
It is probably best to share the details with someone totally isolated from the situation (like someone on an Island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean). You can then have a sounding board that has no bias and you may even get some helpful adbive.
OK! I finally managed to get your blog to work... not sure what was up with that! I have missed out on a whole whack of stuff here man, going to take me forever to catch up!
This is a great post, I wish I knew your secret, I wouldn't tell... But, I won't share mine, so understand your dilema...
Sue x
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