A better mom

While I was running my well-baby clinic I learnt that there is one emotion that is shared by all mothers, even before their babies are born: GUILT. Every woman feels guilty about something or other with regards to her unborn child, her newborn infant or her hurricane toddler.

"What if I had a low episode during my pregnancy? Will my baby think I don't love it" - GUILT. "What if my baby has colic because of that block of chocolate I had during my induction?" - GUILT. "Maybe my toddler's acting up because I left him with my mother so I could go to gym?" - GUILT! GUILT! GUILT!

And, one of the top reasons for guilt amongst new mothers is the prospect of going back to work. Because, "surely perfect mothers stay home for 20 years to raise their kids and another 20 to raise their grandkids? And how will my child know that I still love her when I send her to a creche for 8 hours of the day so I can work?"

And I've noticed that going-back-to-work guilt ever so often when the reason to go back to work is not necessarily because of the need to supplement the family income. There is often a tremendous aount of guilt around the fact that a woman has CHOSEN to go back to work. A choice she made for herself.

My sister-in-law, a teacher, told me that she was anxious to get back to work so that she could have some time away from her children. She said, "Teaching, and the time I'm away from my kids makes me a better mother." I didn't quite get it when she told me the first time, but over the years I have seen so many mothers express the same feeling. They had to do certain things, whether it was to go back to work, or hire an au pair, or to send the children to her mother-in-law for the weekends, so that they could be a better mother.

Be a better mother. By not filling the mother role. Hmmm.

Now I get this, really I do. In fact, for some desperate mommies, I have suggested this exact principle: do something that is not mothery so that you can be a better mother. And, indeed, it works. That time away from her kids allows a woman to find herself, to develop her identity, to feel more human. So that she can be a better mother.

I guess the reason I brought this up though is that I need to find that thing. For me. The thing that makes me a better mother. Because the truth is that at some point, when mothering is what you do, you will run out of mother-gas. Your tank runs dry. And you can't break down. You can't press pause on some wonderful universal remote. As a mother, you can't stop. And you run on empty, because there isn't another option. Most of the time, I feel like I live on that edge, that running-on-empty tightrope. I need to fill up on something more substantial than crayon drawings and finger biscuits. I need to find the thing that makes me a better mother.

Suggestions welcome.